


Death Is Such a Lonely Place Without You

by followyourenergy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Afterlife, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, First Kiss, Heaven, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s13e04 The Big Empty, Post-Episode: s13e05 Advanced Thanatology, Post-Episode: s13e06 Tombstone, life after death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 17:12:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12964359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/followyourenergy/pseuds/followyourenergy
Summary: After they finally defeat Lucifer, Michael, and Asmodeus, everyone is in the mood to celebrate — everyone except Castiel. When Dean confronts Castiel, Cas’ reason for his moodiness surprises Dean: he is afraid to go back to the Empty when he dies. Dean assures him that he will never let that happen, and why.





	Death Is Such a Lonely Place Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little fic I thought of after Cas returned from the Empty. I wondered what Cas would think of his afterlife now that he knows what’s waiting for him. 
> 
> Title is based off Blink-182’s “Home Is Such a Lonely Place.” Enjoy!

They should be celebrating.

Well, they _had_ celebrated — with beer and burgers and a nice hotel with a pool on the way back to the bunker — but Dean thinks they should _still_ be celebrating. It was a huge win, after all, and they all made it out alive. And most of them _are_ still celebrating, in their own quiet ways. Sam is running and reading books for pleasure. Mary, newly retrieved from an alternate universe, is catching up on what she missed and spending time in the bright colors of the outdoors. Jack is learning all the fun things about being human, like how to pop gum and make mohawks with his soapy hair in the shower. Dean is nesting — cooking meals, fixing things around the bunker, and watching trashy TV. And Cas is — well, Cas is just hanging around the bunker, not doing anything in particular. Dean is thrilled to have the angel home with them, overjoyed that he hasn’t left for some new, ill-fated mission since they rescued Mary and defeated Lucifer, Michael, and that asshat Asmodeus, but Cas doesn’t really seem like he’s celebrating. He isn’t standoffish or unsociable — in fact, he’s going out of his way to spend time with everyone — but Cas is also spending a lot of time alone, and it worries Dean. He notices his brooding during moments where the others are occupied, and he isn’t sure what to make of it. He is afraid of what it could mean, afraid that Cas is unhappy with them, afraid he will leave yet again. After all they’ve been through, after realizing everything he feels for the angel, after deciding in his own head to tell him, the thought that Cas might be unhappy hammers painful spikes through his heart. He needs to find out. As much as he doesn’t want Cas to leave, he also doesn’t want him to be miserable, even if Dean ends up miserable as a result.

Dean peeks his head through the doorway. “Hey Cas,” Dean greets his best friend. He enters and sits next to the angel, who is perched primly in his assigned bedroom, staring at the wall.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas answers. His voice is warm but far away.

“What are you thinking about?”

Cas breathes a world-weary sigh. “The afterlife. Giving up my grace.”

“Say what now?” Dean asks, stunned. That is the last answer he expected.

“I think I’m going to give up my grace,” Cas repeats. “Soon. I just... well, I wanted to talk to you about it first, and I wasn’t quite sure how to bring it up.”

“Oh.” Dean feels completely blindsided. “Why d’ya wanna do that, Cas?”

Cas answers Dean’s question with one of his own. “What’s waiting for you when you die, Dean?”

Dean thinks about Heaven, Hell, and even Purgatory, and about Cas’ private reassurances during long nights in motels or on the road. “Uh, well, Heaven, I guess. That’s what you said. And I went there once already, so....” He lets his thought trail off with a shrug.

“Mmmhmm. And what is waiting for me?”

Dean pauses. Cas hasn’t really told him much about what happened when he died and went to the Empty, other than that he annoyed the hell out of some cosmic entity.

“Sleep, Dean,” Cas answers for him. “Nothing but sleep. There’s no awareness, no eternal reward, no being with loved ones. Thousands and thousands of years of service, and for what? Nothing. I won’t be tortured, I won’t be running for my life, but I won’t be rejoicing, either. It’s just... nothing.” His eyes fall on Dean, sad and lost. “Am I so insignificant that I don’t even warrant an afterlife?”

Cas’ ugly words make Dean squirm and scowl. “You’re not insignificant, Cas. Not to me. Never to me.” He rests a hand on Cas’ shoulder and squeezes it. “And you’re not gonna die, anyway. You’re gonna come back to Heaven and see me when I peel out of here.”

“Given my track record here on Earth, my death seems likely.” He flashes a tiny, rueful smile at Dean. “And I won’t be able to see you if I remain an angel. I’ll be in the Empty, separated from you forever.” Cas bows his head but flits his eyes toward Dean to see his reaction.

The idea of eternity without Cas is too much for Dean to bear. He turns his body fully toward Cas, despair over a future sorrow painting his face pale. “No way, man. I’m gonna tear apart Heaven and whatever space-time continuums it takes to find you, and I’m gonna drag your ass back to my Heaven, and you’re gonna stay there with me and no one’s gonna tell me no. Hell, I’ll probably meet up with you halfway because you’ll be doin’ the same thing.”

Castiel’s face softens into a warm sunrise, full of promise and hope. Before the sun can fully clear the horizon, though, he bites his lip and looks away, a cloud darkening his features.

“I know you would do everything in your power to make it so, as would I,” Cas murmurs. “But I am so afraid that something will stop it from happening. I’m afraid that we won’t find a passage, or that you’ll be so happy in your Heaven that you will forget about me...”

The ludicrous notion sends Dean deep into Cas’ space; the pair are nearly nose to nose as Dean grabs Cas’ arms to emphasize his words. “No. I will never forget about you, do you hear me? All the times I lost you... damn it, I never forgot about you, Cas. Never. And I never will.” He wraps his arms tightly around Cas’ shoulders, breathing into the crook of his neck. Cas grips onto his flannel shirt at the shoulder blades and releases shuddering breaths into his hair. They sit on Cas’ bed, awkwardly twisted in their embrace, for some time.

“Dean,” Cas whispers into his hair to break the silence, “I... I can’t take the risk of remaining an angel. I know that if I become human and make it into Heaven I might have a chance to find you, knowing what I know about the place, and... if I have even a small chance, I have to take it.”

Dean pulls back to capture Cas’ eyes once again. He wants to be certain he has his full attention. “You’re gonna be in my Heaven, Cas,” he says simply. “You have to be.” At Cas’ questioning stare, Dean says, “Profound bond and all, huh? I mean... well, we all have our own Heaven, right?”

Cas nods slowly. “Yes. Each soul creates its own Paradise.”

“And Ash said some people share their Heaven. In special cases.”

“Yes.”

“So, I figure,” Dean says, hesitating before deciding to plunge in, “well, if any two are a special case, it’s us, right?”

Cas watches Dean as Dean watches Cas, each of them attempting to parse out the other’s underlying message. Dean’s hands find their way to Cas’ wrists and he holds them loosely.

“Right,” Cas agrees, voice tremulous.

Dean swallows around the nerves threatening to strangle him. “It wouldn’t be Paradise without you, Cas.”

“Dean,” Cas mouths almost silently, as if speaking aloud will break the spell that has opened Dean’s heart to him. He raises his hand and rests it on Dean’s face, his thumb smoothing over his cheekbone. Dean closes his eyes briefly to absorb the warmth of Cas’ touch but quickly blinks them open again, clear and certain. He doesn’t want Cas to misunderstand, doesn’t want there to be any doubt.

“I want to be with you,” Cas says, low and intimate and without fear, and it’s all Dean ever wanted.

“Me too, Cas,” Dean says. He rests his head in Cas’ palm, keeping his eyes firmly locked with Cas’.

“Help me. Please,” Cas begs. Dean nods slowly, his stubble scratching Cas’ hand.

“Okay, but just... not today, huh?” Dean slides his hand to Cas’ face. They move closer, their breaths warming each other’s mouths. “Today, let’s just....”

“Make some new memories for our Heaven?” Cas suggests with a wry smile when Dean hesitates, hovering just over his moistened lips.

“Yeah. New memories,” Dean grins, closing the gap and reminding them both how very alive they are.

Four months later, Castiel removes his grace and entrusts it to Jack, his son by choice. Forty years later, Dean passes away, Cas by his side. Two years after that, Castiel Winchester reunites with his husband in their Heaven, their shared memories filling it with love and joy.

And they celebrate for eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! <3


End file.
